My relationship with my sister has broken down because I don't get on with her husband ? should I try to make up or forget her?
I have a younger sister and before she was married about six years ago, would have described us as close. The problem is, I've never liked her husband. When we first met him about seven years ago he had a temper tantrum at a family birthday because my son, then aged two, hit him with a plastic skittle. That seemed to be the pattern on occasions when we saw them together, which became less frequent over time. There was always a point at which he would throw a strop, complain or snap at my children. My sister used to have a close relationship with both my children. She cannot have children herself and has had two IVF trials without success, but has never discussed how she feels about this.
When my husband walked out suddenly five years ago I felt my sister could have been more supportive. I had never told her how I felt about her husband as they were living together by the time we met him and it appeared to be a fait accompli. He has never made any social conversation with me and I have always found him rather socially inadequate.
About 18 months ago, I was staying with my two children, aged eight and 10, with my sister and brother-in-law, for my son's birthday. There was an incident in which he shouted and swore at my daughter, when she walked in front of the television. This really upset my daughter, especially as my sister didn't defend her or say anything to her husband.
I felt this was the final straw, collected our belongings and left the flat with my children, citing the rain as an excuse to leave. Before getting into the car, I told my sister her husband's behaviour was the real reason we were leaving. Since then, our contact has been sporadic, mainly by text and only about family events. She has damaged her relationship with my children whom she now rarely sees. I have tried to invite her up for a weekend but she has always made excuses.
I really miss my sister but, as time has gone on, I have got used to the lack of contact. Should I give up on our relationship or try to build bridges?
J, via email
I think everyone in this scenario needs to look at their own behaviour and how it affects others. You all also need to learn to be a bit more tolerant of each other, you included. Your brother-in-law's behaviour, as you tell it, is childish and rude but the person I feel most sorry for is your sister.
She is your younger sister and she probably desperately wants your approval. She cannot have children, she has undergone IVF (a process that can be unimaginably stressful) without success and has a husband you don't like. She used to be close to you, but now isn't. She used to be close to your children, but now isn't.
I understand, and applaud, that you feel protective of your children. You are cross that your sister didn't stand up for your daughter when your BiL swore, but look ? neither did you and they are your children! You gave some excuse about the rain. Why didn't you say something to him at the time? You need to explore two things: why you can't be more accepting of him (odious as he sounds) and why, when he behaves inappropriately, you don't speak to him? Your sister has never been rude to your children, has she? So why punish her?
How to build bridges? Talk to her. Tell her you love her, that you miss her and ask her how can you make things better. I appreciate that you've tried ? but keep trying. I appreciate that you are aggrieved, but someone's got to be the bigger person. I think it should be you. Your relationship with your sister, and hers with your children, is too important to let it fizzle out over this.
It's a shame she didn't marry a man you liked, but she didn't. Your sister may not want to be in touch , but the chances are that she does and is desperately unhappy about the situation. She sounds caught between a rock and a hard place: try shifting perspective and looking at this from her point of view.
Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/may/21/family
No comments:
Post a Comment