My long-term girlfriend is fabulous, but I'm expected to do everything when it comes to sex and now I can't get an instant erection like I used to
I'm a 24-year-old male. My long-term girlfriend (who was a virgin before meeting me) is a fabulous woman and a great friend, and we have thought about settling down together by the end of the year. However, she expects me to do everything when we are in bed, which makes me mad and I lose my desire. I don't get an instant erection as I used to earlier, but instead I must stroke it for a while. Is it normal? Or shall I check with a doctor?
Your girlfriend is inexperienced, and not a mind-reader. You need to let her know you would appreciate it if she occasionally took the initiative. Tell her exactly what you'd like her to do and how. Impart this information in a gentle and encouraging manner. Begin by praising her for something she does that you enjoy, then follow up with "But I'd also love it if you'd try to . . ." or "I would prefer it if you would . . ."
Paradoxically, this approach will also make you a better lover and improve the pleasure for both of you, because she will eventually feel safe enough to educate you about her specific needs in a similarly thoughtful fashion. Contrary to popular belief, good sex does not occur naturally and spontaneously; it requires practice. Your plans to settle down make it even more important that you learn better sexual communication, because you will frequently need those skills. Not having an instant erection does not mean there's anything wrong. As you get older, you will probably take even longer, and will continue to require direct stimulation.
? Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
? Email your problem to private.lives@guardian.co.uk
Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/apr/07/my-girlfriend-does-nothing-in-bed
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